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Human & Natural Sciences

You know, for ordinary people.
WTFWhy you will fail
HumanThe only programming language with mandatory lying, crying, and gaslighting.
MathThe ancient art of convincing numbers to confess by torture.
PhysicsWhy toast falls butter-side down and why you can’t get laid in a lab coat.
ChemistryCooking meth but with peer review.
MedicineShould we add this?
LawShould we add this?
AccountingShould we add this?
EconomicsShould we add this?
CookingShould we add this?

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Programming

We don’t need to explain. Your miserable day job.
WTFWhy you will fail
ABAPSAP’s proprietary way to ensure you never escape enterprise hell.
ActionScriptJavaScript’s inbred cousin locked in a Flash coffin.
AdaMilitary-approved boredom in code form.
ALGOLGrandpa of programming languages that everyone nods at but nobody uses.
APLWrite code that looks like you smashed your keyboard mid-heart attack.
AssemblyProgramming in raw CPU grunts. Expect pain.
AsymptoteFor people who like their diagrams to feel like tax returns.
AWKThe duct tape for text files your granddad still swears by.
BashThe art of turning your terminal into a suicide note.
BASICThe “baby’s first language” that created generations of spaghetti code.
BCPLArchaeological proof computers existed before fun.
BooPython and C# had a drunken one-night stand.
CThe cockroach of programming languages—ugly, ancient, unkillable.
C#Microsoft’s Java knockoff with corporate Stockholm syndrome.
C++C, but now with 3,000 ways to segfault.
CFMLColdFusion’s love letter to developers who hate themselves.
CleanFunctional programming without the function or the fun.
ClojureLisp for Java devs who enjoy self-harm.
COBOLThe reason your bank still runs like it’s 1965.
CoffeeScriptThe hipster JavaScript that died when npm happened.
Common LispAll the parentheses you could ever hate.
CrystalRuby wearing a C cosplay.
CSSThe language where margin: auto; is a prayer, not a command.
DThe C++ replacement that couldn’t replace C++.
DartGoogle’s idea of “What if JavaScript, but worse?”
DelphiPascal in a trench coat pretending to be relevant.
DylanApple’s failed attempt to make Lisp sexy.
EiffelThe French way of saying “I’m better than you” in code.
ElixirErlang with hipster syntax and beard oil.
ElmThe Haskell for front-end devs who hate JavaScript.
ErlangBuilt for telecoms but mostly used to confuse newcomers.
FactorStack-based programming for people who hate themselves.
FelixC++ and ML walked into a bar and nobody cared.
ForthStack manipulation for masochists.
FortranThe language that refuses to die because scientists don’t update code.
FoxProMicrosoft’s old database toy now in witness protection.
FregeHaskell but on the JVM, because why not make it slower?
GambasBASIC in a Linux cult.
GoGoogle’s minimalist way to say “No, you can’t have generics… oh wait.”
GroovyJava with a bong hit.
HaskellFor programmers who value purity over productivity.
HaxeCode once, deploy everywhere, regret forever.
HTMLThe Lego bricks of the internet, without instructions.
IdrisProving your code correct while proving you have no life.
IoPrototype-based minimalism for language hipsters.
JAPL without the alien keyboard. Still unreadable.
JavaWrite once, debug everywhere.
JavaScriptThe duct tape holding the internet together.
JuliaFor scientists who want Python speed without Python speed.
KotlinJetBrains’ attempt to put Java out of its misery.
LispEverything is a list, including your regrets.
LiveCodeEnglish-like programming that’s neither.
LuaThe lightweight scripting language every game dev forgets to update.
MATLABMath with a paywall.
MaxScriptScripting 3D software with all the joy of dental work.
MercuryLogic programming for people who hate fun.
Modula-2Pascal’s weirder, lonelier sibling.
MonkeyCross-platform game dev for masochists.
NASMAssembly for people who think C is too easy.
NimPython meets C with delusions of grandeur.
Objective-CC with Smalltalk bolted on, like a rusted spoiler.
OCamlML, but French.
OpenCLParallel programming hellscape.
OpenQASMBecause quantum computers weren’t confusing enough already.
PascalHigh school’s idea of teaching you “real” programming.
PerlWrite once, read never.
PHPThe language powering 80% of the web and 100% of the ridicule.
PikeIf C and Python had a child nobody claimed.
PostScriptPrinting layouts with all the grace of a dot-matrix printer.
PowerShellMicrosoft’s answer to Bash, but more verbose.
PrologLogic programming for people who distrust logic.
PureScriptHaskell in a JavaScript trench coat.
PythonThe language for people who think indentation is a personality.
Q#Microsoft’s quantum spin on making devs cry.
QBasicBASIC for the floppy disk generation.
RData science’s ugly stepchild.
RacketLisp with a PR manager.
ReasonOCaml with Facebook’s fingerprints.
RedRebol’s attempt at a comeback nobody asked for.
REXXScripting from the era of mainframes and big hair.
RubyThe happy, pretty language that rails your productivity.
RustMemory safety at the cost of your sanity.
SASExpensive Excel with a worse UI.
ScalaJava on functional steroids.
SchemeLisp, but somehow smugger.
ShellYour OS’s “please don’t break me” interface.
SmalltalkThe OO grandfather nobody visits anymore.
SoliditySmart contracts for dumb investments.
SQLThe world’s most passive-aggressive data language.
SwiftApple’s latest way to keep you locked in the orchard.
TclTool Command Language for people who collect old languages like stamps.
TypeScriptJavaScript with a chastity belt.
ValaGNOME’s idea of a prank.
V“It’s like Go, but with even less reason to exist.”
VB.NETVisual Basic in witness protection.
VBScriptMicrosoft’s malware delivery system.
VerilogDescribing hardware in a software nightmare.
VHDLHardware design with all the verbosity of a legal contract.
Visual BasicDrag-and-drop your way to unemployment.
WebAssemblyRun C in the browser because why not.
WrenA small language nobody actually uses.
X++Microsoft’s ERP code prison.
X10Parallel Java for parallel headaches.
xBase++Clipper’s weird corporate cousin.
ZigC with better safety and fewer excuses.

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Only for absolute LEGENDS

Do not attempt these if you are weak. You’ll find out why.
WTFWhy you will fail
2DPTwo-dimensional programming for people allergic to normal.
AlgaeSlow, green, and probably smells bad.
ArnoldCDo programming with Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes. Get to the CHOPPAH! Bestest. Evah.
AxiomMath software disguised as a programming language.
BeatnikPoetry that’s somehow worse when it runs.
BefungeCode that moves in more directions than your career.
BitxtText manipulation for masochists.
BlooPPrimitive loops for primitive minds.
BrainfuckEight commands, infinite headaches. Also, the best language ever invented.
CharcoalDrawing ASCII art badly on purpose.
ChefWrite recipes that compile into code and disappointment.
CheeseNot as tasty as it sounds.
CowOnly says “moo” and somehow still works.
Cyclic TagTag, but in an infinite loop of bad ideas.
DeadfishDeliberately useless, like a wet sock.
DopeySnow White’s least productive coder.
FALSEA minimalist stack language that hates you.
FishTwo-dimensional swimming in code hell.
FoolangProgramming for clowns.
FungotA chatbot that mumbles in code.
GolfScriptCode golf taken to the brink of insanity.
GravityThe language that pulls you down with it.
HeronElegant name, ugly code.
HexagonyHexagonal grid coding for honeycomb addicts.
HoboCoding like you’ve lost everything.
HQ9+Does nothing useful, on purpose.
HQ9++HQ9+ but somehow even less.
INTERCALDesigned to be as unlike any language as possible.
JellyCompact golfing language for math sadists.
L33tSpeak hacker, code badly.
LOSTTrue to its name, you will be.
Lost KingdomKingdom gone, devs gone, code gone.
LOLCODEMemes as syntax. What could go wrong?
MalbolgeDesigned to be impossible to write in, and it succeeded.
MuforthYet another stack-based language nobody uses.
MurielMystery wrapped in enigma, wrapped in uselessness.
NhohnA name that sounds like a sneeze and makes less sense.
OmThe meditative way to waste CPU cycles.
Ook!Brainfuck but for orangutans. Ook! Ook!
PathNavigate misery, but in code.
PietWrite programs as ugly modern art.
PlankalkülThe first high-level language, created before people were ready to suffer.
PurefoldSounds deep, is shallow.
RailLike being hit by a train, but slower.
RefractDistorts programming into nonsense.
SardinePacked tightly with bad ideas.
ScliptingLike scripting, but broken on purpose.
SeriouslyThe name is the most honest part.
ShakespeareWrite code as bad plays in Old English.
Snusp2D code that’s a pain in all dimensions.
SpaghettiThe art of making unreadable code a feature.
SubleqOne instruction, no happiness.
Tcl#Tcl, but pointlessly renamed.
TentTemporary shelter for bad code.
ThueA theoretical mess for masochists.
ThutuBaby’s first pointless language.
TrefungeBefunge, but 3D — because why not.
Trefunge98The sequel nobody asked for.
TriangularGeometry homework disguised as coding.
TrollExists solely to annoy you.
Turing TarpitsIn theory, anything’s possible. In practice, nothing’s sane.
UNBCProbably stands for “Useless Nonsense By Coders.”
UnlambdaA functional language that rejects functionality.
V“It’s like Go, but with even less reason to exist.”
VLCNo, not the media player. Worse.
VoidNothingness as a coding philosophy.
WhirlCode shaped like a bad acid trip.
WhitespaceOnly spaces, tabs, and line breaks. Developers’ nightmare fuel.
YSingle-letter hell.
YabasicBASIC stripped to the bone.