Languages - ErrorGolf Documentation

Human & Natural Sciences

You know, for ordinary people.

WTF	Why you will fail
Human	The only programming language with mandatory lying, crying, and gaslighting.
Math	The ancient art of convincing numbers to confess by torture.
Physics	Why toast falls butter-side down and why you can’t get laid in a lab coat.
Chemistry	Cooking meth but with peer review.
Medicine	Should we add this?
Law	Should we add this?
Accounting	Should we add this?
Economics	Should we add this?
Cooking	Should we add this?

Programming

We don’t need to explain. Your miserable day job.

WTF	Why you will fail
ABAP	SAP’s proprietary way to ensure you never escape enterprise hell.
ActionScript	JavaScript’s inbred cousin locked in a Flash coffin.
Ada	Military-approved boredom in code form.
ALGOL	Grandpa of programming languages that everyone nods at but nobody uses.
APL	Write code that looks like you smashed your keyboard mid-heart attack.
Assembly	Programming in raw CPU grunts. Expect pain.
Asymptote	For people who like their diagrams to feel like tax returns.
AWK	The duct tape for text files your granddad still swears by.
Bash	The art of turning your terminal into a suicide note.
BASIC	The “baby’s first language” that created generations of spaghetti code.
BCPL	Archaeological proof computers existed before fun.
Boo	Python and C# had a drunken one-night stand.
C	The cockroach of programming languages—ugly, ancient, unkillable.
C#	Microsoft’s Java knockoff with corporate Stockholm syndrome.
C++	C, but now with 3,000 ways to segfault.
CFML	ColdFusion’s love letter to developers who hate themselves.
Clean	Functional programming without the function or the fun.
Clojure	Lisp for Java devs who enjoy self-harm.
COBOL	The reason your bank still runs like it’s 1965.
CoffeeScript	The hipster JavaScript that died when npm happened.
Common Lisp	All the parentheses you could ever hate.
Crystal	Ruby wearing a C cosplay.
CSS	The language where `margin: auto;` is a prayer, not a command.
D	The C++ replacement that couldn’t replace C++.
Dart	Google’s idea of “What if JavaScript, but worse?”
Delphi	Pascal in a trench coat pretending to be relevant.
Dylan	Apple’s failed attempt to make Lisp sexy.
Eiffel	The French way of saying “I’m better than you” in code.
Elixir	Erlang with hipster syntax and beard oil.
Elm	The Haskell for front-end devs who hate JavaScript.
Erlang	Built for telecoms but mostly used to confuse newcomers.
Factor	Stack-based programming for people who hate themselves.
Felix	C++ and ML walked into a bar and nobody cared.
Forth	Stack manipulation for masochists.
Fortran	The language that refuses to die because scientists don’t update code.
FoxPro	Microsoft’s old database toy now in witness protection.
Frege	Haskell but on the JVM, because why not make it slower?
Gambas	BASIC in a Linux cult.
Go	Google’s minimalist way to say “No, you can’t have generics… oh wait.”
Groovy	Java with a bong hit.
Haskell	For programmers who value purity over productivity.
Haxe	Code once, deploy everywhere, regret forever.
HTML	The Lego bricks of the internet, without instructions.
Idris	Proving your code correct while proving you have no life.
Io	Prototype-based minimalism for language hipsters.
J	APL without the alien keyboard. Still unreadable.
Java	Write once, debug everywhere.
JavaScript	The duct tape holding the internet together.
Julia	For scientists who want Python speed without Python speed.
Kotlin	JetBrains’ attempt to put Java out of its misery.
Lisp	Everything is a list, including your regrets.
LiveCode	English-like programming that’s neither.
Lua	The lightweight scripting language every game dev forgets to update.
MATLAB	Math with a paywall.
MaxScript	Scripting 3D software with all the joy of dental work.
Mercury	Logic programming for people who hate fun.
Modula-2	Pascal’s weirder, lonelier sibling.
Monkey	Cross-platform game dev for masochists.
NASM	Assembly for people who think C is too easy.
Nim	Python meets C with delusions of grandeur.
Objective-C	C with Smalltalk bolted on, like a rusted spoiler.
OCaml	ML, but French.
OpenCL	Parallel programming hellscape.
OpenQASM	Because quantum computers weren’t confusing enough already.
Pascal	High school’s idea of teaching you “real” programming.
Perl	Write once, read never.
PHP	The language powering 80% of the web and 100% of the ridicule.
Pike	If C and Python had a child nobody claimed.
PostScript	Printing layouts with all the grace of a dot-matrix printer.
PowerShell	Microsoft’s answer to Bash, but more verbose.
Prolog	Logic programming for people who distrust logic.
PureScript	Haskell in a JavaScript trench coat.
Python	The language for people who think indentation is a personality.
Q#	Microsoft’s quantum spin on making devs cry.
QBasic	BASIC for the floppy disk generation.
R	Data science’s ugly stepchild.
Racket	Lisp with a PR manager.
Reason	OCaml with Facebook’s fingerprints.
Red	Rebol’s attempt at a comeback nobody asked for.
REXX	Scripting from the era of mainframes and big hair.
Ruby	The happy, pretty language that rails your productivity.
Rust	Memory safety at the cost of your sanity.
SAS	Expensive Excel with a worse UI.
Scala	Java on functional steroids.
Scheme	Lisp, but somehow smugger.
Shell	Your OS’s “please don’t break me” interface.
Smalltalk	The OO grandfather nobody visits anymore.
Solidity	Smart contracts for dumb investments.
SQL	The world’s most passive-aggressive data language.
Swift	Apple’s latest way to keep you locked in the orchard.
Tcl	Tool Command Language for people who collect old languages like stamps.
TypeScript	JavaScript with a chastity belt.
Vala	GNOME’s idea of a prank.
V	“It’s like Go, but with even less reason to exist.”
VB.NET	Visual Basic in witness protection.
VBScript	Microsoft’s malware delivery system.
Verilog	Describing hardware in a software nightmare.
VHDL	Hardware design with all the verbosity of a legal contract.
Visual Basic	Drag-and-drop your way to unemployment.
WebAssembly	Run C in the browser because why not.
Wren	A small language nobody actually uses.
X++	Microsoft’s ERP code prison.
X10	Parallel Java for parallel headaches.
xBase++	Clipper’s weird corporate cousin.
Zig	C with better safety and fewer excuses.

Only for absolute LEGENDS

Do not attempt these if you are weak. You’ll find out why.

WTF	Why you will fail
2DP	Two-dimensional programming for people allergic to normal.
Algae	Slow, green, and probably smells bad.
ArnoldC	Do programming with Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes. Get to the CHOPPAH! Bestest. Evah.
Axiom	Math software disguised as a programming language.
Beatnik	Poetry that’s somehow worse when it runs.
Befunge	Code that moves in more directions than your career.
Bitxt	Text manipulation for masochists.
BlooP	Primitive loops for primitive minds.
Brainfuck	Eight commands, infinite headaches. Also, the best language ever invented.
Charcoal	Drawing ASCII art badly on purpose.
Chef	Write recipes that compile into code and disappointment.
Cheese	Not as tasty as it sounds.
Cow	Only says “moo” and somehow still works.
Cyclic Tag	Tag, but in an infinite loop of bad ideas.
Deadfish	Deliberately useless, like a wet sock.
Dopey	Snow White’s least productive coder.
FALSE	A minimalist stack language that hates you.
Fish	Two-dimensional swimming in code hell.
Foolang	Programming for clowns.
Fungot	A chatbot that mumbles in code.
GolfScript	Code golf taken to the brink of insanity.
Gravity	The language that pulls you down with it.
Heron	Elegant name, ugly code.
Hexagony	Hexagonal grid coding for honeycomb addicts.
Hobo	Coding like you’ve lost everything.
HQ9+	Does nothing useful, on purpose.
HQ9++	HQ9+ but somehow even less.
INTERCAL	Designed to be as unlike any language as possible.
Jelly	Compact golfing language for math sadists.
L33t	Speak hacker, code badly.
LOST	True to its name, you will be.
Lost Kingdom	Kingdom gone, devs gone, code gone.
LOLCODE	Memes as syntax. What could go wrong?
Malbolge	Designed to be impossible to write in, and it succeeded.
Muforth	Yet another stack-based language nobody uses.
Muriel	Mystery wrapped in enigma, wrapped in uselessness.
Nhohn	A name that sounds like a sneeze and makes less sense.
Om	The meditative way to waste CPU cycles.
Ook!	Brainfuck but for orangutans. Ook! Ook!
Path	Navigate misery, but in code.
Piet	Write programs as ugly modern art.
Plankalkül	The first high-level language, created before people were ready to suffer.
Purefold	Sounds deep, is shallow.
Rail	Like being hit by a train, but slower.
Refract	Distorts programming into nonsense.
Sardine	Packed tightly with bad ideas.
Sclipting	Like scripting, but broken on purpose.
Seriously	The name is the most honest part.
Shakespeare	Write code as bad plays in Old English.
Snusp	2D code that’s a pain in all dimensions.
Spaghetti	The art of making unreadable code a feature.
Subleq	One instruction, no happiness.
Tcl#	Tcl, but pointlessly renamed.
Tent	Temporary shelter for bad code.
Thue	A theoretical mess for masochists.
Thutu	Baby’s first pointless language.
Trefunge	Befunge, but 3D — because why not.
Trefunge98	The sequel nobody asked for.
Triangular	Geometry homework disguised as coding.
Troll	Exists solely to annoy you.
Turing Tarpits	In theory, anything’s possible. In practice, nothing’s sane.
UNBC	Probably stands for “Useless Nonsense By Coders.”
Unlambda	A functional language that rejects functionality.
V	“It’s like Go, but with even less reason to exist.”
VLC	No, not the media player. Worse.
Void	Nothingness as a coding philosophy.
Whirl	Code shaped like a bad acid trip.
Whitespace	Only spaces, tabs, and line breaks. Developers’ nightmare fuel.
Y	Single-letter hell.
Yabasic	BASIC stripped to the bone.